Working with Passive-Aggressive Colleagues, Administrators or Students
Introduction
Interacting with passive-aggressive individuals can be quite challenging because their behavior often involves indirect resistance, subtle sabotage, or veiled hostility, which can be frustrating and confusing for others.
This essay is intended to provide information that may suggest ways and strategies to reduce frustration when encountering passive aggressive encountered in an academic department. The following article addresses a definition and description for passible aggression, examples for their encountered behavior, coupled with possible impacts on you and on other colleagues, along with goals, and example coping strategies.
Definition/Description
The definition and description used is as follows. The passive aggressive person expresses their negative disguised masked and hidden hostile feelings in a disguised way so as the have deniability, and to prevent challenges. They are inauthentic because their major desire is to appear innocuous on the surface, however their hostility can produce psychological or narcissistic wounding to the receiver.
Common Behaviors and Types
Five common behaviors of passive aggressiveness (PA) are described. Silent-Avoidant passive aggression can be seen in behaviors such as ghosting, ignoring, mocking remarks. Pretend humor or sarcasm by the PA are used as a means to not accept responsibility for inflicting wounding on another person. Their hostility is indirect and any response from another person can be met with “That was a joke”, “What’s the matter, can’t’ you take a joke”. Or” Don’t you recognize sarcasm?” The Sabotage/underminer phrases their comments to prevent the underlying implicit threats from being challenged directly, but their comments are designed to undermine or sabotage you or another person. They make comments such as “Just saying” as a way of offloading personal responsibility for the comment. Two face gossips tend to be when the person passes on some gossip that is negative but tells that person that you were the one who was gossiping about them. Indirect negative comments are just what this sounds like, they are making negative comments but do so indirectly so that they cannot be challenged. Refusal to own or accept personal position, perspective, and/or actions. Usually these are either their projected feelings or thoughts, and they phrase them as coming from someone else, or from others.
Psychological Wounding Impact
A major and common impact on others from passive aggression is psychological wounding which can produce distressing feelings in the receiver. The essential self is wounded which produces defensiveness and behaviors such as anger, envy, superiority, blame as responses to the passive aggression.
Goals for Passive Aggressive Behaviors
The goals of passive aggression include feeling a need to get even, get revenge, strike back, not be worked on or to show some how it feels to be wounded, or in a search for attention/admiration . People who use passive aggression can feel threatened, humiliated, scorned, ignored, attacked, manipulated and/or injured.
Managing Short Term and Long-Term Strategies
To challenge is initial thoughts, feelings, and emotions that were triggered a three-phase process for understanding and coping with distressing/negative feelings is essential to reduce negative impact.
Phase 1
Deconstructing a Feeling
1. Recall and visualize an interaction with a frustrating colleague.
2. List the feelings triggered for you – anger, exasperation, fear, etc.
3. List or describe what that feeling is saying about you – that you are in danger, inadequate,
overwhelmed, enmeshed, incompetent, ineffective.
4. Rate the validity of the feeling association about yourself – e.g. inadequate, in this
situation/interaction. Rate from 1- no validity to 10 very valid most of the time.
Phase 2
Reflection
5. Refrain from blaming the colleague for your triggered feeling. They did not “cause” or make you to feel as you do.
6. Take responsibility for your feeling.
7. Accept that you were (whatever the triggered feeling was e.g. inadequate) in this instance.
8. Either become more adequate or stay with the feeling and thought(s) about yourself, although doing so is unproductive and ineffective.
Phase 3
Feelings and possible rationale
Overwhelmed or enmeshed – poor psychological boundary strength: Solution – build stronger and more resilient boundaries.
Danger – identify and assess the threat (how likely is it that you will be destroyed)
Incompetent or ineffective – become more expert, gain knowledge and understanding
Summary for Deconstructing a Feeling
Process
Personal association (what is the feeling saying about you)
Refrain (no blame)
Accept (responsibility)
Change ( learn, grow, develop)
- Stronger boundaries
- Assess and nullify the threat to the self
- Reflect on possible rationale for boundaries, or countertransference – what about you is triggering the feeling(s)
DO NOT confront, as this does not seem to work well.
Do not escalate the issue.
Listen and determine the basic issue for them.
Listen and determine their goal (see previous section about possible goals)
Disassociate
Use emotional insulation a process to develop is described.
Coping strategy – Emotional Insulation
Visualize something between you and the other person that allows you to be a disinterested observer. Words can get through and you can hear them, but their projection are repulsed. You can use anything such as a gate, a wall a shade or anything that can be a barrier. Visualizing your insulation and write a description or draw it in advance of possible interactions will make it easier and quick to implement when needed.
Confronting is not recommended but if you decide to confront, here are some guidelines for making it constructive.
*
Fundamentals of Confronting
Once the decision to confront has been made, the confronter should keep some communication fundamentals in mind, including the following (Brown, 2024)
1 Use a positive approach.
2 Choose words that suit the receiver’s emotional state.
3 Be concrete; say what is on your mind.
4 Be aware of the impact you are having on the receiver.
5 Wait for a response or reaction.
6 Be sure of your facts.
7 Do not exaggerate or make broad generalizations.
8 Think before you speak.
9 Check to ensure that you are being understood accurately.
10 Stick to the topic; do not bring in other concerns or issues.
11 Try not to criticize.
12 Do not impose your views; just express them.
13 Be receptive to feedback.
14 Listen to the other person.
15 Do not interrupt.
16 Give people the time they need to absorb the information.
Passive-Aggressive Types
Described are four passive aggressive types.
(1) Pretentious (2) Twit (3) silly, (4) annoying, never says anything directly.
Pompous Bombastic Blowhard – Constantly displays a superior attitude. Talks a lot but in retrospect, has said little or nothing. Considers themselves as an expert without the necessary training or experience.
Triple A (Arrogant, Aggressive, A***) -Grandiose, acts entitled, to say and do whatever they choose regardless of the impact or request of others. Very inflated ego, delusions of grandeur
Summary
People who must interact with someone who is frequently passive aggressive in interactions and communications may be very frustrated. This essay is intended to provide information and strategies to better cope and have less frustration for those who you encounter passive aggressive colleagues, administrators or students in the academic department.
References
Brown, N. (2018). Psychoeducational Groups (4th edition). New York: Taylor and Francis.
Brown, N. (2002). Working with the self-absorbed. Oakland CA: New Harbinger.
Brown, N. (2012). Uptight and in your face: Intense and anxious. Westport, CT: Praeger.
“Passive-aggressive.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/passive-aggressive. Accessed 24 Nov. 2024.